Real-life resume blunders

How bad of a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real
life examples from Dribbleglass.com:

• I am very detail-oreinted.
• My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
• Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
• Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
• It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
• Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
• I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
• If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
• My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.
• I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
• Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
• Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.
• Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
  Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
• Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
• Previous experience: Self-employed-a fiasco.
• Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
• Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
• I am a rabid typist.
• I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
• Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
• Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
• I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
• Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.
• Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
• Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.
  Special skills: Thyping.
• My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.
• I can play well with others.
• Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.
• Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.
• Experience: Provided correct answers to customers’ questions.
• Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
• Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
• I have happily been a “kept man” for the past 10 years.
• Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation.
• I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.
• Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky.
• While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.
• My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule.
• Hire me and you won’t regret it-I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.
• Referees available upon request.
• Previous rank: Senior instigator.
• I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.
• Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
• Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days.
• Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.
• Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.
• Strengths: Impersonal skills.
• Special interests: I like any projects that are fun.
• Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.
• Vocational plans: Sea World.